My Mummy Knitted Me!

‘Mum why are you knitting a dachshund? Am I not enough for you?’ I asked when I saw Mum clacketty-clacking away on the knitting needles yet again. For good measure I put on my best puppy boy expression complete with sad ears, hurt looking liquid eyes with one paw endearingly placed on her foot.

‘Oh Nutty,’ Mum bent down and tickled me under the chin. Mum can be crafty sometimes because she knows I can’t resist her special chin rub so before I had time to think my wee furry body went on automatic pilot and I was sprawled on my back, leggies waving in the air with tail wagging madly inviting Mum for a round of the full tummy rub. We dogs are martyrs to our instincts you know.

After a completely satisfying tummy rub I rewarded Mum with a Burrowing Sooky before I remember I was annoyed with her – she was, after all knitting a replacement me! I dived at the wool and her clacketty needles but Mum only laughed. ‘You’re not a cat Nutty,’ she said.

I rose up on my hind leggies to my full height of 14-inches fully stretched whilst leaning my front paws on Mum’s knees in what Dad called my ‘meerkat pose’. ‘No Mum,’ I said seriously ‘I do not think I am a cat any more than I think that (I waved a paw disparagingly towards the half-knitted dachshund) is a dog!’ I thought that was a pretty good riposte but Mum was clearly not impressed and the clacketty needles clacked on.

‘Look Nutty,’ Mum said holding up a piece of woven together wool ‘it’s you!’

‘It looks nothing like me,’ I barked in annoyance ‘it’s yellow!’

‘It will look the spitting image of you when it’s finished,’ Mum went on as if I hadn’t barked at all.

Spitting image you say? Good idea Mum. I made a valiant attempt at a spit but could only manage a hideous cough/snort which is pretty painful to produce I have to say. Note to self: dogs cannot spit.

Nothing else for it. I turned tail to slink away leaving Mum with her new dachshund which she obviously liked better than me – when I was scooped up by Mum (I love it when she does that) and given a Surprise Sooky. Oh joy!

‘Why do you need another dachshund Mum?’

‘This wee fellow will look great on my desk at the office,’ Mum said ‘he will remind me of you when I’m at work.’

He was to be a reminder not a replacement! Double joy!

This could only mean one thing – Mum missed me too much.

Oh thrice joy!

I was almost beside myself and so excited I had to run into the garden for a minute. When I returned I treated Mum to her favourite Pashmina Sooky which involves me laying my long body across her shoulder and down her back. Mum rubbed my long back gently and I closed my eyes. ‘I love you Mum,’ I thought before I drifted off into dachshund heaven.

‘I love you Nutty,’ Mum said.

How sweet is a dachshund’s life when he has a Mum and Dad who love him as much as M&D love me but I never ever forget those doggies who are less fortunate and I remember then in my pawrayers every night. I hope you do too anipals.

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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My new dachshund friend in the making.

Loud Squeak

A family friend, who Mum says must hate her, gave me a super-fun squeak with the loudest squeak – EVER! He is great fun to play with and Loud Squeak and I quickly became bestest friends. He is innovative too because as well as being a squeak, Loud Squeak doubles up as other things too. For example he is also:

A)   Dad’s alarm clock – code green (Dad loves it).

B)   A middle of the night amber warning system (Dad loves that even better).

C)   High-grade red alert top-of-the-stairs safety technique (Dad’s personal favourite).

In fact Dad has recently proven just how much he values Loud Squeak and the diverse role he plays in the personal safety of the family by rationing his playtime with me in case he gets too tired to carry out his security duties effectively.

For Loud Squeak’s own physical and emotional wellbeing he can only play with me up until tea-time when he has to go to his squeak bed. Dad has made a special bed for Loud Squeak which is in the highest kitchen cupboard due to Loud Squeak’s liking for heights (he told Dad this after a particularly fraught red alert episode one night). Loud Squeak never told me this and so I asked Mum if she knew. Mum said Dad is most probably right and isn’t it kind of him to make sure Loud Squeak is safe and happy.

Dad can be very thoughtful sometimes.

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Me and the small-but-incredibly-mighty Loud Squeak.

A Pawblem Shared is a Pawblem Solved – Ping-Pong the Bulldog

Today’s pawblem comes from a feisty bulldog called Ping-Pong (yes that’s his real name) who believes his name loses him respect on the streets (and in the parks, gardens and beach too I shouldn’t wonder).

Dear Nutty

I am a mature English Bulldog who is blessed with a loving family and home. I am completely happy with my owner except for one thing – my name. I weigh 5-stone and am built like a small Sherman tank yet my impressive size and girth goes for nothing when my name is called:

‘Ping-Pong come on there’s a good boy’

‘Ping-Pong din-dins is ready’

‘Ping-Pong get the ball’

Ping-Pong

Ping-Pong

PING-PONG

What a name for a noble dog to have to bear, even cats have a good snigger. Help me Nutty! I would like to be called Blue.

*sad, droopy slevery wee bulldog face*

Dear Ping-Pong

Hearing you loud and clear Ping-Pong – or should I say Blue. This situation calls for immediate action. No longer should you respond to the name Ping-Pong. Even if you are being called for the yummiest NOM’s ever, turn your tail on them my friend whenever the incongruous moniker Ping-Pong is used. Now you may have to persevere with this for a while as humans are not always the sharpest puppy in the litter but if you are strong-willed (your breed is famous for it) you will win in the end.

In addition Ping – Blue, what you want to do is to guide your owner towards your preferred name of choice. Whenever you see something that is blue then bark wildly, wag your tail, do excited victory dances, slobber, sooky, lean – pull out your whole repertoire of tricks so that the human can make the connection.

To start off you can leap wildly into the air pointing a paw at a clear blue sky, on a walk by the shore extend a paw out to sea and whirl like a dervish, drag all blue clothes and slippers from wherever they are stored and pile in a tidy heap in front of your owner; however this is an advanced trick and should be undertaken by mature anipals only – puppies watch and learn.

By carrying out these measures P – Blue, you will soon be the proud owner of the new and manly name of your own choosing. In my experience any owner of average intelligence should cotton on by day 5 of the process.

*encouraging woof*

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

Nutty’s 5-Step Programme to a Well-Trained Owner

1)    Always lets them think they are the boss (even though we anipals know differently).

2)    Use positive reinforcement in the form of the sooky or the lean. Avoid using treats as a reward for good behaviour as too much snacking will make your owner obese and ruin his teeth.

3)    A happy owner is a fit owner so make sure you walk your owner at least 3 times a day. Older owners may require shorter walks but if your owner is young he will appreciate a good ramble or a beach walk whatever the weather.  Regular walkies also encourages owners to socialise with other owners as well as keeping them fit.

4)    Create a workable routine and stick to it. Too many times soft-hearted anipals fall prey to their owner’s sooky looks as he passes by that delicious looking cake in the baker shop window. Be firm anipals and lead your owner way from such temptation with a sharp tug on his leash to bring him to order.

5)    Don’t expect gratitude. While we understand that what we do is for our owner’s own good, we cannot expect their human brain to comprehend the intricate canine mind. Keep working your owner with love and with discipline. Remember that your owner will always respond to a happy woof and a waggy tail so make sure you reward a well-behaved owner with this reward at least once a day.

Happy training!

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Walking Dad.

A Pawblem Shared is a Pawblem Solved – Sheba the Rottie

 

This week’s pawblem comes from a little lady called Sheba (not her real name) the Rottie (not her real breed) and her owner Bernie (his real name).

Dear Nutty

Please help. My owner has recently brought home a small furry creature with silky ears, a funny smell and it makes a weird mewling sound. Should I be worried?

*anxious wee doggy face with head tilted to one side*

Dear Sheba

I am feeling your distress, really I am but don’t worry. The creature you describe is a cat and as such is obviously no threat to your dominant position in the house. Carry on training your owner and let the cat do likewise. Between you I am sure you will have your owner licked into shape in no time.

*reassuring high five*

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

Epitaph for Rocco

This is Rocco, a handsome and dignified Staffie boy and beloved anipal. Rocco did not have a very easy life on earth and now he has passed over the Rainbow Bridge those who knew him in his last days, in particular Louise Rae of Staffie Rescue was able to recognise the huge spirit in this poor creature and help him to cross over in peace, serenity and knowing he was not alone and was loved.

There are many, many people out there who are champions for our rights but sadly there are those who think we are fair game and throwaway objects.

Whatever your faith, creed or belief please send out a thought for Rocco as you read these words and help him as he helps other anipals who cross over the Rainbow Bridge.

It is said that Staffies are the most loyal of breeds so what better gatekeeper of the Rainbow Bridge than Rocco.

Dog bless you big man and I am humbled to have known you, even for such a short time.

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

Rocco

Mr Rocco

Lean on Me

As I explained in the sooky blog, there are various ways to get your Mum, Dad and/or responsible human’s attention; one of them being the lean. The lean is an excellent modus operandi when you just don’t have time for the full sooky and of course it must be mentioned that the lean is exceptionally pawsome if you are a bigger dog.

Retrievers, labs and Staffies are particularly effective at the lean. To instigate a lean simply plant your paws in front of, or to the side of, your leanee and just lean into them. For best effect the lean should be heavy and solid, making it the attention-grabber of choice for those of us who are M, L, XL  or XXL size.  You see, this is because the lean should be strong enough so that the human leanee (not always the brightest squeak in the box you understand)  will know without doubt that they are being treated to a professional lean.

We anipals who come into the S category for example the dachshund, the Jack Russell,  the Scotty dog and of course our tiny relative the formidable Chihuahua do not have the BMI to operate the lean effectively so for us smaller dogs our best chance of a lean comes when the leanee is seated or (better yet) lying down. It is then that we can slide in like the canine ninjas we are and incorporate the lean with the burrowing sooky and dig ourselves right in for the duration.

Leaning is an excellent sport and ensures the leanee will remain stationary until you decide to remove the lean. Not many humans are brave (stupid?) enough to move away from a seriously leaning Rottie. Try it yourselves and see.

Lean on the very next human you come across. If you don’t feel like a lean then force yourselves anipals and you will see that I am right. Human nature is such that your leanee will remain still until you choose to move off. What pawsome power we have!

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Me leaning on the ground on a sunny day.

Squeak!

Sometimes a dachshund is just so engrossed in his busy workiness he might have things lying around. Take yesterday for example, I was clearing out the Squeak Box which was, I have to admit, slightly less than pawstine, so I decided the best thing to do would be to give each squeak a personal makeover and grooming.

Having decided this to be the best course of action I ask you anipals how would you do it? Why of course! You would tip all the squeaks out and proceed to clean their box with the tongue. A few lickety-licks with an overlong daxie tongue and the job was done.

Deciding Snake Squeak was in most urgent need of my attention I selected him from the box and carried him through to the living room and on to Mum’s new rug which is always nice and cosy warm. Oh-oh but what was that noise? I knew immediately it was Yellow Squeak (he can be a very jealous squeak at times) crying and whining for attention.  Well my wee daxie heart melted right away and I bolted off to rescue Yellow and placed him carefully on his favourite spot which is halfway up the stairs. Of course this perceived favouritism sent Blue and Pink Squeaks into paroxysms of jealous rage so I had to bring them out too. Blue wanted to sit alongside Yellow on the stairs and independent Pink preferred to station himself right behind the front door.

Ginger Squeak wandered through on his own looking so lost and lonely that I picked him up gently in my mouth and trotted with him to his favourite place which is (strangely enough) in Dad’s right slipper. One by one I moved the squeaks away from the box and laid them in a straight line across the kitchen floor thinking this would give them a different view of things.

If you have squeaks yourself you will know how terribly possessive they can be. Mum says we daxies are a jealous breed and I have never been sure what that means. All my squeaks are well practiced in the sooky in all its forms so I have no real reason to complain.

Peace reigned in the house and I worked away quite happily grooming my squeaks. I was in the process of returning them to their box when in trundled Dad home from work. Without so much as a by-your-leave the man flings open the front door and steps right onto Pink who was, as you should remember, minding his own business parked behind the door. Quite understandably Pink let out a rebel yell at the untimely intrusion and I am pretty certain Dad wanted to say a bad word at that point but he held himself in. However his great twiggy legs splayed open and he lost his footing which propelled him with comedic speed into the living room and onto the unsuspecting Snake. ‘Hissssssssss,’ said Snake indignantly as Dad removed his great feet from Snake’s delicate head.

‘Nutty!’ Dad cried and I was on hand immediately. ‘What have you done Dad?’ I barked ‘can you not see the squeaks? You are hurting them.’

Dad, as usual, appeared completely clueless so I barked again. ‘If you are going upstairs Blue and Yellow are sitting on the middle stair.’ Too late. Up he trundled taking the stairs three at a time as is his wont, tripping over Blue, narrowly avoiding Yellow and falling into a snotty heap on the top landing.

Mum came out of the bedroom shaking her head. I knew what she was thinking so I shook mine too. ‘Don’t be coming up here with your boots on,’ she said to Dad crossly so Dad went back downstairs to find his slippers. ‘That &^S%^* dog has toys everywhere,’ he was muttering. I didn’t understand what he meant by that so I let it go. Too late I remembered Ginger was nestled inside Dad’s right slipper. Dad, to give him his due, neatly sidestepped both Blue and Yellow on his way downstairs. ‘Nutty get these toys tidied up will you?’ he said. Once again understanding did not dawn so I looked seriously at him so he would know his nonsensical words did not translate into dachshund-speak.

‘Dad! Ginger Squeak is inside your slipper,’ I barked as I bounded downstairs behind him but I was way too late. Dad had already thrust his foot into his slipper right on top of Ginger’s tiny head. ‘AAARGH!’ Dad cried ‘what the –‘

‘It’s Ginger Dad,’ I barked frantically ‘he likes it in there.’ Privately I thought Dad’s slippers were just a little too minging to be a really good favourite place but each to their own and the smell problem probably wasn’t an issue for Ginger who’d had his nose chewed off long ago.

Dad started bouncing up and down holding his foot in his hand. I thought this looked like an excellent game so I started bouncing too. I tossed all the squeaks into the air with my rather large sneb so that they could enjoy the fun too.

‘AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!’ Dad cried again and because he seemed to be enjoying himself so much I bounced higher and higher until I accidently landed on his uninjured foot. ‘OOOOOOOOOOW!’ Dad yelled hopping around like a demented frog trying to hold both feet which, as any scientist will tell you, is an impossibility given the force of gravity. Dad’s joy was infectious though so I began to bark-sing loudly and before long all the squeaks joined in.

When Mum came downstairs she had her seriously frowny face on and glared at us all as if we were mad.  Mums!

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Me tidying the Squeak Box.

Rain, Coats & how to be a Responsible Owner

We dachshunds hate rain. Personally I hate rain so much if I was asked to pick which I hate more rain or coats I would have a hard time choosing. Trouble is rain and coats often go together especially in these winter months making it a hate-hate situation for me.

I shouldn’t complain (but I do – and frequently) because Mum & Dad tend not to need walked so much during heavy rain, snow or sleety weather. They are getting smart though and let me know it’s time for their walk by putting their own coats on. Once they are coated, booted and gloved up for the wintry weather, I resign myself to leaving my cosy warm blankets and wearing one of my outrageous number of stinky coats.

I tend to show complete disinterest here because I know whatever coat is selected I will hate it. I generally stand stock still with a hangdog expression on my wee houndy face just to make sure Mum in particular (since she seems to be the main coat purchaser) understands that I am wearing it under duress. Makes no difference though and I am squeezed into the infernal coat like a sausage into a skin and off we jolly well trot.

That is I trot so I can get home quicker but Mum & Dad have become quite good at keeping up. I suppose it’s fair to say I am a bit of a fair-weather walker. If the sun is shining I’m right there romping on the beach or running through the golf course with the best of them but in winter – well who can blame me for preferring my snuggly-wuggly (Mum’s word, not mine!) bed under the radiator?

But I have humans to walk and I take my responsibilities as an owner seriously. A human is not just for Christmas as we all know so we canine creatures have undertaken to take care of our Mums & Dads which means, unfortunately, walking them regularly hail, rain or shine. I suppose they are worth it…

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Mum and me – and coats!

You Know You Have a Dachshund When…

  1. You apologise for taking up too much space in the bed.
  2. You feed us first.
  3. You find yourself being drawn to all kinds of ‘cute’ accessories (for the love of God not more coats Mum!).
  4. You recognise our ‘busyness’ as being truly important work which must continue no matter what time or day (or night) it may be.
  5. You understand and adapt to our intrinsic need for digging.
  6. You appreciate the sooky in all its forms.
  7. Even if you don’t want to be sookied you will put up with it for the sake of your dachshund.
  8. You automatically try to fix our broken toys as you would with a child.
  9. You cannot resist our puppy-dog eyes and believe me, we know how to work it.
  10. You go all-out to make sure we are alone as little as possible.
  11. Should the above be unavoidable you substitute yourself with an Aunty Hec or similar.
  12. You find yourself reading to us aloud.
  13. You speak to us as you would a human.
  14. You take all admiring looks from other people in your stride (for us that is, not you).
  15. You understand it takes us time to decide whether we like a new treat or not and are happy to wait upon our decision.
  16. You strictly adhere to the routine set up by us for your own good.

You understand (Mum & Dad!) that this is a JOKE and in NO WAY resembles my relationship with YOU. No, it’s OTHER DACHSHUNDS I’m talking about. You know dachshunds in general – and you know Mum & Dad that cannot be me because I’m no general –I’m an admiral!

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Admiral Nutty – I see no ships..