Nutty Poems

Hello anipals and poetry lovers everywhere. I would like to share with you a selection of my most considered pieces which I feel are particularly prevalent today. Thank DOG the world has the fine canine mind to help it stay on track.

As you all know, Mummy translates these bloggys from dachshund to human-speak as are many humans who also enjoy my blogs (thank you all!) but after lengthy discussion it was felt in this instance that the poems should remain exactly as they were written so that the depth of emotion they portray are not lost in translation.

Apologies therefore to those who are not dachshund speakers but please do try and persevere with the content. It does get easier as you go along.

Till next time,

Love & leggies, Nutty (Laureate) x

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(as you can see I like a bit of a read myself)

Ode to Daddicles

O deer dad

Doo is mad

But doo is not bard

An me neva kalls doo lard

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Ode to Mummy

O deer Mummicles

Me wuv doo hunnericcles

Doo always playz

And chayse da  bloos awayz

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Ode to Bwush

O deer Bwush

Doo bee always in a wush

Doo neva hush or blush

Wif doos brush bwush bwush

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Ode to Sossiges

O deer sossiges

Me wills take doo hostigges

And keep doo in me’s tummy

And shayre won wif me’s mummy

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Ode to Me’s Gurlfwend

O deer Candy

Cum to da beech all sandy

Twill bee just dandy

An me’s will holdy doos handy

CandyCarrots

 

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Crafty Mum

Things my Mum has made:

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The blanket – not me!

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Original knitting pattern (and Mum’s first ever knitting effort) used to make Nutty 2 (Woman’s Weekly (Australian Edition) 1945 courtesy of Auntie Hec – seriously!

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Nutty 2 – the finished effort

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Nutty 1 & Nutty 2 – spot the diff

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First knitted TOAT ever! Hatey TOATS Mum!

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Bet Mum wishes she made this hat.

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As above

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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Love you Crafty Mum xxx

A Pawblem Shared is a Pawblem Solved – Herman the Chihuahua

Dear Nutty

I am Herman, an enthusiastic eighteen-month-old male Chihuahua with much love for my family and friends. However over the last few months I have been suffering from severe mood swings which really upset M&D and my friends are not too keen on this new behaviour either. Only yesterday I spotted Maisie the Poodle don a pair of dark glasses and quickly cross the road to avoid me and even hardy Ballet-Girl the Pitbull gives me a wide berth these days. Male anipals no longer hang around with me on park corners like they used to…what am I doing wrong? I think I am upsetting everyone so much without meaning to. It’s as if my actions are beyond my control. Please help Nutty. You are my last resort.

Dear Herman

First of all don’t stress. What you are so delicately describing is a natural male condition which is easily fixed by – well by you getting fixed Herman. I am sure it is something M&D are seriously considering but maybe they are reluctant to put you through any trauma as they see it.

I will not lie to you Herman, the procedure does involve a trip to the vet and an operation – don’t worry you will be asleep the whole time. I know this because M&D had me fixed too when I was fighting like mad to take Dad’s place in the house. All that growling, barking, whining and mounting anything that moves (or doesn’t move) does get exhausting Herman – take it from one who knows. When you get fixed you will be able to relax into being Puppy-Boy again and enjoy your life.

If you are like me and an only dog then you will be able to bask once again in M&D’s love and complete adoration, taking your rightful place as the prince of the family. I am sure M&D are already thinking along the lines of having you fixed Herman so when that day comes (trust me, it will be soon), worry not dear friend. Embrace the process and return to your family fully restored with your own good nature back in place.

*manly paw shake*

Dog bless you little Herman.

Love & leggys, Nutty x

My Mummy Knitted Me!

‘Mum why are you knitting a dachshund? Am I not enough for you?’ I asked when I saw Mum clacketty-clacking away on the knitting needles yet again. For good measure I put on my best puppy boy expression complete with sad ears, hurt looking liquid eyes with one paw endearingly placed on her foot.

‘Oh Nutty,’ Mum bent down and tickled me under the chin. Mum can be crafty sometimes because she knows I can’t resist her special chin rub so before I had time to think my wee furry body went on automatic pilot and I was sprawled on my back, leggies waving in the air with tail wagging madly inviting Mum for a round of the full tummy rub. We dogs are martyrs to our instincts you know.

After a completely satisfying tummy rub I rewarded Mum with a Burrowing Sooky before I remember I was annoyed with her – she was, after all knitting a replacement me! I dived at the wool and her clacketty needles but Mum only laughed. ‘You’re not a cat Nutty,’ she said.

I rose up on my hind leggies to my full height of 14-inches fully stretched whilst leaning my front paws on Mum’s knees in what Dad called my ‘meerkat pose’. ‘No Mum,’ I said seriously ‘I do not think I am a cat any more than I think that (I waved a paw disparagingly towards the half-knitted dachshund) is a dog!’ I thought that was a pretty good riposte but Mum was clearly not impressed and the clacketty needles clacked on.

‘Look Nutty,’ Mum said holding up a piece of woven together wool ‘it’s you!’

‘It looks nothing like me,’ I barked in annoyance ‘it’s yellow!’

‘It will look the spitting image of you when it’s finished,’ Mum went on as if I hadn’t barked at all.

Spitting image you say? Good idea Mum. I made a valiant attempt at a spit but could only manage a hideous cough/snort which is pretty painful to produce I have to say. Note to self: dogs cannot spit.

Nothing else for it. I turned tail to slink away leaving Mum with her new dachshund which she obviously liked better than me – when I was scooped up by Mum (I love it when she does that) and given a Surprise Sooky. Oh joy!

‘Why do you need another dachshund Mum?’

‘This wee fellow will look great on my desk at the office,’ Mum said ‘he will remind me of you when I’m at work.’

He was to be a reminder not a replacement! Double joy!

This could only mean one thing – Mum missed me too much.

Oh thrice joy!

I was almost beside myself and so excited I had to run into the garden for a minute. When I returned I treated Mum to her favourite Pashmina Sooky which involves me laying my long body across her shoulder and down her back. Mum rubbed my long back gently and I closed my eyes. ‘I love you Mum,’ I thought before I drifted off into dachshund heaven.

‘I love you Nutty,’ Mum said.

How sweet is a dachshund’s life when he has a Mum and Dad who love him as much as M&D love me but I never ever forget those doggies who are less fortunate and I remember then in my pawrayers every night. I hope you do too anipals.

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

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My new dachshund friend in the making.

A Pawblem Shared is a Pawblem Solved – Sheba the Rottie

 

This week’s pawblem comes from a little lady called Sheba (not her real name) the Rottie (not her real breed) and her owner Bernie (his real name).

Dear Nutty

Please help. My owner has recently brought home a small furry creature with silky ears, a funny smell and it makes a weird mewling sound. Should I be worried?

*anxious wee doggy face with head tilted to one side*

Dear Sheba

I am feeling your distress, really I am but don’t worry. The creature you describe is a cat and as such is obviously no threat to your dominant position in the house. Carry on training your owner and let the cat do likewise. Between you I am sure you will have your owner licked into shape in no time.

*reassuring high five*

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x