Nutty Poems

Hello anipals and poetry lovers everywhere. I would like to share with you a selection of my most considered pieces which I feel are particularly prevalent today. Thank DOG the world has the fine canine mind to help it stay on track.

As you all know, Mummy translates these bloggys from dachshund to human-speak as are many humans who also enjoy my blogs (thank you all!) but after lengthy discussion it was felt in this instance that the poems should remain exactly as they were written so that the depth of emotion they portray are not lost in translation.

Apologies therefore to those who are not dachshund speakers but please do try and persevere with the content. It does get easier as you go along.

Till next time,

Love & leggies, Nutty (Laureate) x

Nutty 006

(as you can see I like a bit of a read myself)

Ode to Daddicles

O deer dad

Doo is mad

But doo is not bard

An me neva kalls doo lard

Nutty 029

 

Ode to Mummy

O deer Mummicles

Me wuv doo hunnericcles

Doo always playz

And chayse da  bloos awayz

2 004 - Copy

 

Ode to Bwush

O deer Bwush

Doo bee always in a wush

Doo neva hush or blush

Wif doos brush bwush bwush

1 016

 

Ode to Sossiges

O deer sossiges

Me wills take doo hostigges

And keep doo in me’s tummy

And shayre won wif me’s mummy

 1 020

 

Ode to Me’s Gurlfwend

O deer Candy

Cum to da beech all sandy

Twill bee just dandy

An me’s will holdy doos handy

CandyCarrots

 

Advertisements

Sunny Daze

006Jun13 011

Being a dog of both ancient German and more recently Scottish lineage it is no wonder I love the sun so much. There is nothing nicer than a fine summer morning when one can meditate on the natural ebb and flow of life or, in my case, laze around.

006Jun13 023

Although I am a bit of a sun-worshipper my natural-born fur coat does tend to swelter a bit and my heart goes out to my Old English Sheepdog friends and all heavy coated anipals on days such as this.

But we in the UK know better than to make rash complaint against the summer sun and when it becomes too hot we find shady garden spots, nooks and crannies where we can lie undisturbed in happy canine contemplation.

006Jun13 007

Needless to say this bloggy was pawed on a beautiful June afternoon but even if it is raining cats and dogs or blowing a monsoon as you read my words remember dear anipal and human friends nothing (not even the good stuff) is forever.

Till next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

3 004

Easy Like Sunday Pawning

012

Typical Sunday morning in our house:

3:00am          

Too hot to sleep in M&D’s bed what with Dad’s night sweats actually but I suffer it as best I can.

4:00am

Wind myself around Dad’s neck whilst he sleeps (he finds it comforting as I am just like a furry scarf, ideal for warm summer nights).

5.00am

Dad wakes up and tries to sneak off to the bathroom but I spot him easily (everyone knows we dogs sleep with one eye open). Quick as a flash I am in his spot and rolling around in the warmest bits whilst at the same time sticking my houndy nose in Mum’s eye (which is thankfully closed).

7:00am

After 2-hours of gamely trying, Dad finally gives up on trying to sleep on the 2-inch space left to him on the edge of the bed and even though I obligingly move over to allow him an extra inch or so he just huffs and puffs and gets up. Mum snores on.

8:00am

Dad brings Mum a cup of tea. I get two puppy-sized biscuit bones and a tummy rub. Bliss.

9:00am

Mum decides its pee-pee time (sighs) so I have to get up too.

DCIM100MEDIA

9:15am

Operation pee-pee completed with a weather and perimeter inspection carried out too. All is in order so I tunnel my way through my blankys (have to use my own bed as M&D are up now).

10:00am

Stretch luxuriously under a small mountain of blankys. I listen to Dad mowing the lawn and Mum vacuuming around upstairs before I settle in for a bit more shut-eye. Well it’s what Sunday morning is all about isn’t it – a bit of relaxation after a hectic week.

Till next time.

 

Love & leggies, Nutty x

 

087

A Pawblem Solved – Bounder

Dear Nutty

I am a lonely and misunderstood little rabbit. Well when I say little I mean I’m big – in fact truth to tell I am HUMUNGOUS compared to my rabbit friends. No wonder I can’t get a wife. Anyway that is not the reason I’m writing, well not the only reason.

You see Nutty, none of my rabbit friends seem to enjoy bounding across the fields like I do. I mean they do run a bit but it is more of a scurry and they have no stamina either. Me, I can bound for miles and miles with my super long back legs but when I start to do this all my friends tail off and leave me to run all by myself. Nutty please give me some words of wisdom for I am one lonely Bounder.

Yours in solitude

Bounder

 

Dear Bounder

Worry not for the solution is staring you straight in the face or should that be in the back leggys. For you see dear Bounder you are not a rabbit at all – you are a hare. Hares are much larger, have longer legs and are made for bounding across fields and living in the wild. No wonder your rabbit friends cannot keep up!

Bounder you are not a bad rabbit you are an excellent hare so hare on out there and find yourself a Mrs Hare and have a wonderful life with many little Bounders running at your tail.

I expect an invite to the wedding (“)(“)

Till next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

 

DCIM100MEDIA

Apropos of nothing – a wee sossige

I Scream, You Scream…

We anipals enjoy the simple things in life; the sun on our fur, a gentle summer breeze, the scent of the first daffodil – and ice cream. 

Take me for example, I do enjoy an ice cream. I love to let my long tongue wrap itself around the deliciously cold confection and sssslurp right into the mouth and down the throat quick as you like sir. I have found it best to make this move particularly quickly before Mum or Dad decide I’ve had enough and tries to take the ice cream away. This of course can never happen. I am much too fast.

Anipals like me who are ice cream aficionados will appreciate the difficulty we have is not in retaining the ice cream once we have sniffed it out – but how to encourage our humans to relinquish the ice cream they think is theirs into our waiting little jaws. Our dear bipeds sometimes get confused and think this ice cold treat is for them… well it is but not exclusively you understand.

If you are experiencing this difficulty yourself dear furry friends, especially with the summer coming in and ice cream delights being extra enticing I have discovered the best way to get Dad to relinquish his ice cream to for me is to persuade him that it is his idea.

Picture this: Dad strolls out of the ice cream shop with a lovely vanilla cone in his hands (vanilla is my favourite, anyone who is interested) and the wise anipal will immediately look cute but without obviously eyeing the cone.

This is a difficult exercise to master initially but with practice the petite ice cream snatcher can easily wind around Dad’s legs (our feline brothers have got it spot on here and this move is perfect for us long-bodied anipals). For added effect try cutely pawing at his ankle whilst at the same time throw out some knock-em-dead puppy dog eyes. When performed correctly this simple combination of moves is utterly delightful to passers-by who will, with a bit of luck, draw attention to our efforts thus inspiring Dad to bend down and…. sssslurp another ice cream bites the dust.

Larger anipals can sit obediently in front of Dad offering a paw with an endearing wag of the tail and a clever nose-to-hand move until the desired result is achieved.

Super-size anipals and sturdy stalwarts such as the Bulldog, Staffie and Rottie have the additional advantage of planting themselves squarely in front of Dad until the ice cream treat is forthcoming.

Till next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

DCIM100MEDIADCIM100MEDIADCIM100MEDIADCIM100MEDIA

Crafty Mum

Things my Mum has made:

DCIM100MEDIA

The blanket – not me!

DCIM100MEDIA

Original knitting pattern (and Mum’s first ever knitting effort) used to make Nutty 2 (Woman’s Weekly (Australian Edition) 1945 courtesy of Auntie Hec – seriously!

DCIM100MEDIA

Nutty 2 – the finished effort

DCIM100MEDIA

Nutty 1 & Nutty 2 – spot the diff

DCIM100MEDIA

First knitted TOAT ever! Hatey TOATS Mum!

DCIM100MEDIA

Bet Mum wishes she made this hat.

DCIM100MEDIA

As above

Till next time. Love & leggies, Nutty x

DCIM100MEDIA

Love you Crafty Mum xxx

Funny Pictures of ME

Here are a few pictures I have personally selected for your viewing pleasure. Please note however that my translator (er Mum that is) was too busy to interpret my comments so these have been left in my own wordspeak.

Hoping the dachshund tongue is not too difficult for other anipals (and Aunty Hec) to understand…

Until next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

DCIM100MEDIA

Me’s wondered lonely as a clowd…

DCIM100MEDIA

Twailblazer

DCIM100MEDIA

Da wurld is me’s lobsta

DCIM100MEDIA

Mummicles favritest pikchur of me’s

DCIM100MEDIA

Just fwow da ball daddicles – FWOW ITTTTTTT!

DCIM100MEDIA

Mummicles comin aftur me’s wif da toofpaste an bwush – daddicles will save me’s tho

DCIM100MEDIA

A silly wee sossige

Training Dad

As you will know anipals, training humans takes quite a bit of time and energy if it is to be done properly.

Example: I can be sitting with Dad teaching him (once again!) the basic premise of the sooky and how to do it properly when waft in comes the smell of dinner. Now we all know that food smells of any kind signal an immediate cessation of whatever we are doing (even sookying) and muster at the feeding bowls waiting patiently until Mum dishes out. Does Dad remember this? Of course not. He carries on as if nothing has occurred and actually waits for Mum to call him before he will get up off his you-know-what and saunter towards the food. In fact sometimes Mum has to call him twice!

Now I wouldn’t want you to think Dad is particularly slow on the uptake, I would say he has the limited capacity of any other human being and he cannot be faulted for that. He does try his best to please and he never shirks training. Whatever the weather there he is, working the coat drill (on-off, on-off on – wait for it – off) and keeping an eye out when I go poo-poo in unfamiliar places.

Like most humans though, Dad does have the tendency to want to throw sticks for me to chase. Whilst this is fun the first time and maybe even the second, it does get a bit wearing after the 10th time. However Dad seems to like it so I trip off on my wee leggies to collect the pesticle stick and bring it back.

So the upshot is, whilst properly trained Dads are the most loyal and loving creatures on DOG’s planet, their monkey-mind means we must keep up the training anipals. This is why so many of we doggicles can be found whizzing through golf courses and along the beach of a breezy Sunday morning when we would rather be nestling on Mum’s lap in front of the fire.

Until next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

DCIM100MEDIA

The coat drill

A Pawblem Shared is a Pawblem Solved – Peter the Rabbit

Dear Nutty

I am a large, fluffy bunny called Peter who is constantly being bullied by my family and now Mum and Dad are getting in on the act and are bullying me too.

I try to be as good a rabbit as I can but it does no good. My family simply do not like me. My brofur and sisfur get to sleep in a nice warm hutch with cosy warm straw and I am put out into the house so M&D can watch my every move. Even on rainy days I am sent out to walk while bro and sis cuddle up together watching me and laughing.

Discrimination is everywhere Nutty: my food is different, my bed is different, I am treated differently all the time and when I try to make those little snuffly rabbitty noises M&D tell me to stop being silly.

I fear I can take no more. You are my final hope Nutty. Please tell this large fluffy bunny how to make his family love him.

Peter the Ostracised and Odd Pet

Dear POOP

I have read your pawblem very carefully and I think I can see where the issues lie. You see I do not think you are a large fluffy bunny at all – I believe you to be a small fluffy puppy. That’s right POOP you are a puppy not a bunny.

Understandably you are shaking your fluffy head in disagreement as you read these words and I can understand your scepticism. To prove I am speaking the truth I ask you in all seriousness POOP to answer these five impawtant questions as honestly as you can:

1)    Do you really enjoy cramming yourself into a small rabbitty hutch and covering yourself with scratchy straw?

2)    Do you enjoy eating horrible lettuce and raw carrots?

3)    Is your brofur and sisfur really ignoring you or is it that they cannot understand a word you say because you are speaking puppy?

4)    When M&D take you for walkies do you secretly enjoy it?

5)    Do you find life in the hutch cramped and boring?

Now POOP if you have answered these questions as truthfully as I know you can you will understand that I am right. You are a puppy POOP and as such your M&D are treating you exactly right.

Leave the rabbits to their rabbitty twitchings dear POOP and set forth with your M&D and be the very best small fluffy puppy you can be!

Until next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

Barking Mad

Everyone knows the canine creature is the most sensible, settled, calm and collected creature ever to walk DOG’s earth and I for one, would not be the dachshund to sway that opinion.

Now all that being said, humans are a little bit daft when it comes to being barking mad. They don’t understand the value of it you see. Now when the wheelie bin comes rolling out along our driveway of a Thursday morning any sensible person would be running alongside barking, whooping and generally guiding the bin to its designated position on the street.

Not so for humans. Every week without fail I am shushed, wheeshed and told not to bark when carrying out this important piece of work. Once Dad even went to the trouble of sneaking out the side gate to get the bin without alerting me. Fortunately my huge flappy dachshund ears pricked up and I was soon out there on patrol barking as loudly as possible to make up for any lost time.. Of course as the bin is barked out it must also be barked in – how else is it going to know where to go?

Other barking duties include leaf barking, people-you-don’t-really-like barking, doorbell barking, other-dogs-walking-past-your-house barking, barking at The Deev when she comes to visit, barking at The Deev when she leaves and of course it goes without saying we dogs have our regular barkees such as postmen, milkmen, delivery people in general as well as neighbours and the neighbour’s cat.

So with all these duties to cram in on a daily basis it is no wonder we get a little pee(ved) when our humans, with singular lack of understanding which has to be barked to be believed, fail to grasp the importance of barking, our primary responsibility.

So it is thus anipals that we dogs have been endowed by DOG the Creator with such steadfastness and loyalty (as well as understanding for those creatures less intelligent than ourselves) that we continue to carry out our barking duties even when obstructed from doing so.

My advice is to keep training your humans and one day they will grasp in paw the importance our dogly duties. In the meantime anipals, bark on…

Until next time.

Love & leggies, Nutty x

Nutty 006

Making sure Dad doesn’t try to sneak Blue Wheelie out without me!